After the celebrating of the Obama victory, there was much media focus on the defeat of gay marriage propositions in three states. California, particularly, has evoked controversy with 52% voting in favor of Proposition 8 against legalizing gay marriage.

We have been informed that the Mormon Church poured millions of dollars into promoting the proposition and that exit polls revealed that 70% of African-Americans supported it.

Let me make some observations and suggestions. I.F. Stone, the late iconoclastic journalist, once stated that when you seek social justice you must be prepared to lose, and lose again. And I add to that, when you persevere in the struggle, victory will eventually emerge. Californians, a few years ago, were only 39% for gay marriage and now voted 48% in favor. More work must be done, beyond street demonstrations and assuming the role of victims. It is impossible to ignore the irony of the Mormon Church being so sanctimonious…arguing that marriage is for one man and one woman, when it is a church with a history of defining marriage as one man and as many women as he can lure into his net. Also, in my lifetime, the Mormon Church believed that being born Black was punishment for sins in some previous existence. There were no Black Mormons. But when Brigham Young’s Mormon Church, learned that their university’s football team was ousted from big TV revenue because of their policy the church elders gathered and reconsidered their religious position. Today Brigham Young University can play on network TV and draw big bucks for the University. The Mormons have a revised policy on skin color and the NCAA pardoned the Mormons for past bias. Even religious leaders can change their tune…when the money is right.

What is needed is a real strategy instead of gay people pouting that “We didn’t win,” understandable as that might be.

The argument, as I have heard it expressed on endless interviews, including Pat Robertson’s 700 Club, is that marriage is a sacred institution and it would be threatened if gay marriage was legalized. The Bible tells us so.

Bill Moyers, on his always riveting PBS show, probed conservative columnist Cal Thomas on this issue. The heart of Moyer’s questions: “Why would your or anyone’s marriage be threatened if two men or two women, who you might never meet, and who have been living together for years, sought legitimization of their union?” And, he added, there are several reasons why they might want that certificate including economic protection that married people take for granted, to say nothing of hospital visits.

Thomas carefully selected lines from the Bible, ignoring Moyer’s inquiry. He reminded me of Cotton Mather or Reverend Paris in Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible”…ranting and irrational, but always citing the Bible.

So let me suggest a plan to educate people who might be persuaded that gay marriage did not threaten their marital bliss. It is also important to realize that many people see gay relationships only in sexual terms – as if heterosexual relations do not have a sexual component. Need I remind you that there are pockets of sexual fear in our land… fear of sexuality wherever it might be a consideration.

Here’s my format. Point out to people concerned about the erosion of traditional marriage that they might focus not on strangers who are gay and lesbian, but look at what really threatens marriage as we traditionally know it…with 50% ending I divorce.

It’s the lesson of the 4 A’s: Adultery, Abandonment, Abuse and Alcoholism…some or all found in too many homes with married people.

Let’s examine them.

ADULTERY is a great danger to any marriage. Beyond the sense of betrayal and losing trust – there is also the prospect of bringing sexually transmitted diseases into the home. Any person, or group of people, or religious body, would do well to challenge men and women on the subject of Adultery. It is about betrayal and health and you might want to check the Bible on this subject.

ABANDONMENT automatically means the end of a marriage or a relationship. The vast number of single parents is partially explained by the fact that one parent, mostly men, but not exclusively, have moved out. I met a man with 9 children from 9 different women and he boasted of it as if they were medals, rather than human beings. Ironically, he revealed that he is almost totally ignored on Father’s Day. Is marriage between a man and a woman so casual today that one mate can just pick up and wander off?

ABUSE IS THE FEAR COMPONENT IN TOO many marriages. More men than women are abusive in today’s society which explains the great numbers of women who have sought orders of protection. Court orders do not resolve anger, lack of fulfillment or a sense of inadequacy which manifests itself in physical abuse of the people nearest to you – the marital partner and often the children. If the Bible doesn’t address this, perhaps priests, ministers and rabbis could find some modern books that discuss this issue.

ALCOHOLISM…and you might add drug use…contribute greatly to the other 3 A’s. Men drinking in bars often make poor choices when their decision-making is compromised by booze and they end up in adulterous relationships or it is a factor in surrendering responsibility and results in abandonment of family or abusing the partner while drunk.

If the sanctity of marriage is the concern, then gay marriage is NOT ONLY IRRELEVANT, it is also an excuse not to attend to the real problems of today’s marriages.

Let me suggest that advocates of gay marriage find effective spokespersons to challenge the obfuscation of what is at the heart of this issue.

Are there spiritual leaders who will opt for problem-solving…and public discussion …rather than creating fear with a bogus issue like gay marriage?


I’m David Rothenberg…out on a limb.